DarkstarTheGreat

I said I’d make this a long time ago. The paranoia is keeping me awake, so here I am. 

What’s going on? It’s hard to say, really. I feel like I’ve been asleep for a long time now. The past few months have been simultaneously the best and worst of my life in a while. 

I guess we’ll start where I’ve been and why. It might be a bit jumbled. 

It’s no secret I’ve been disconnecting for what, 5 years now? Trauma changes a person. Art is hard to love anymore. My passion is fleeting. I don’t know who I am.
i love the furry fandom, always. But I’ve been having growing pains with it. It’s a very difficult fandom to be in with debilitating social anxiety and a learning disability. I’ve had to face cruelty countless times despite how much I warn people. There’s older men that had groomed me still roaming around, still threatening me when they have the chance. There are more people there that hate me than not. I’m pretty done with trying to feel at home there.

i know one day it’ll be better and I’ll enjoy being there again. Today is not that day. So with that, my artistic focus has shifted, as did my social priorities. 

Im finally passionate about something again, which is good. I’m writing and drawing for a different fandom, and that same fandom happens to treat people with social anxiety as like, not evil. Cool concept. I’m finally starting to make friends again, albeit it’s a slow process. I’m happy there, though. I feel at home. 

But more than anything I’ve been trying to heal, to improve my life.

ive recently moved to Colorado and I’m excited for the opportunities it brings. I don’t know anyone up here really but I hope by the time I start college in the fall I’ll be able to make friends. I’m working on my agoraphobia treatment, trying to get a job outside of the house and learning to be independent. Maybe I’ll drive someday, too. 

Coming to terms with being trans was difficult but necessary. I haven’t felt more free, it feels like a fog has cleared. Nobody I know irl respects my identity so that’s very isolating, it got especially worse when I moved. I wish I could hear someone use my name. Doesn’t help that I’m only like, half out. The initial reactions scared me quite a bit. 
But it’s so much easier to connect to people now; Although that’s still extremely difficult. 

I have zero offline support system in general rn, as I’m still struggling to get into a new therapist. I’m considering ketamine, since the legal treatments started here. I’m 99% sure it’ll trigger horrible panic attacks but at this point I’d be okay with a lobotomy. I’m very tired. 

Do i want to die? I don’t know anymore. I still have the passive thoughts daily, but at this point I rather just let life pass me by. Too much work to harm myself. If I died in my sleep I wouldn’t be unhappy. 

 But something different in me, than all the previous years, i still have some hope. Things I want to see. 
The past few years I had a very toxic mindset. I treated others terribly, because I felt terrible. I fell into a group of people with that same mindset, and it made things so much worse. But now that I’m free, it’s like my world has so much more color. I reflect on my past actions with disgust. I try much harder to be more positive, more kind. And honesty? It’s easy now. It’s easy to be nice to people, because I’m not as miserable. Hard to believe, but once the fog cleared after being separated from those people... I truly realized how miserable they made me feel. How much they put me down, all the lies they told me and others. How angry some of them would get when I showed improvement. Some of them probably still watch my accounts and will send this to each other to laugh at, but I’m okay with that. Let them laugh. 
(Or, i try to be okay with it. Paranoia’s a bitch) 

i feel like I’ve grown a lot this entire 2019 and it helps me hold on, even at night when things are scary and isolating. I think of the new friends I’ve made, the opportunities I have. I want to live long enough to get an education and for my parents to acknowledge me as their son. I want to finally get repaid for all the suffering I’ve had to endure. 

So TLDR; I’m busy enjoying my life as much as I can given the circumstances. I’m getting healthier as time goes on. I’m still sad, but that’s okay because I’m getting better. I prefer being sad over being mean. 

Im very tired, though. It’s hard to get on here and update. I’m focusing more on writing anyways, but it takes energy to go back here honestly. I don’t like uploading art here. I have good memories, but a lot of bad attached to this place. I just don’t really enjoy sharing my art much anymore. I will still continue to practice, but I will keep it stuck to one account or just my files.

last, I’m considering rebranding. I do love my username because of the irony it represents, but I’m not sure how it represents me. Rebranding sucks but idk! It’s too long for many sites, for starters. But while Darkstar is my main sona, I have 4 others that also represent me. I think I might go with something more generic, not based on a sona name. Maybe something to do with my irl name. I’m still undecided, will of course keep everyone updated.

but yeah, keep it real. Idk if I’ll ever be truly back, because I’ll never be the person I used to be. But deviantart, furaffinity, the furry fandom. All hold special places in my heart, and I guarantee I’ll return to the fandom at least. I’m far from done with y’all, but I need to branch out and really find myself first.

Thank you for everything. I’m turning 19 in June, and i made this account when I was 11. It’s crazy how much I’ve changed, in so many ways. Thank you for the support as always.

Side note: I was debating on putting this in the journal so I’ve decided to add it. It might make people angry, but it needs to be said.

I wish the absolute best for the people I was mutually destructive with. I hurt you, and you hurt me. Some things you people did were u forgivable, but that does not mean you’re undeserving of happiness. I’m know I did some unforgivable things as well. It was hard to apologize, trying to give people space. But here is an apology, that I’ll happily expand upon if you wanted to hear from me.

I’m sorry for the pain I caused.

And while I want an apology too, I know I won’t get one. But that doesn’t excuse how I’ve fucked up. Take that as you will.

-Griffin.